Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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