At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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