My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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