literally had 100 drinks last night.
i will never coherently bang her
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
