I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
