i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
sarcasm needs its own font
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
