I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
