No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
