So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
