you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
