I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
