Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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