Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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