I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
