my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
