In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
