i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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