Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
