Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
