Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
