I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
