If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
