If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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