matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
