i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
