it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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