I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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