Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
