I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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