I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
