I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
as a side note pls kill me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
