Too much gin, very little bucket
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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