everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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