god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
