Just took my morning after pill in the library
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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