Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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