I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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