guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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