that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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