When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
