i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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