you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
