So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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