i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
