Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
