The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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