found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize