a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
