I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
