Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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