I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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