I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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