I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
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