Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
