My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
