When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
