one two three fourrrrnication!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
