whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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