After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
