when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
