His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
