I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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