well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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