Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You ruined the universe
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
