I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
