I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How does it feel to date your dad?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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