im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
